This is my story. It’s the story I never thought would be mine. And instead of spending hours on a lonely couch in front of a tv or browsing Christian Mingle profiles, I choose to write. There is a season for everything. A season to mourn, a season to cry , and for now, a season to write. To write about something no one talks about. “Everyone talks about divorce,” you say. You’re right. In fact, one of my biggest inspirations to start this blog (aside from the need to release everything that is in me), is another precious Christian wife who has successfully shared every nook and cranny of her experience without sugar coating it. Her name is Leslie and days after my husband walked out the door, I was glued to her blog, The Christian Girl’s Guide to Divorce.
Thank you Leslie, for being real. For reminding me that this is not our home and just because we bear the name of Jesus, we are not exempt from this world’s trials. That our bubbles burst. Our “Happily Ever After’s” turn into “Happily Ever Reals,” no matter how much we invest. But what DOES set us apart is what we do with it. Every depiction of her emotions, all the thoughts of doubt, of anger, those first cuss words coming out of the church girl’s mouth. I felt it with her. (I’m sure he covers every blurt with His mercy. Haha!)
But there was something missing. My story has it’s own taboo cherry on the top. Yes, it’s a story filled with sadness, deceit, rejection, disillusionment, and anger like all the others. But add my cherry: homosexuality. Yes, my husband walked out of the closet and then walked out on me.
I know. This blog just got much more controversial than Leslie’s. So wish me luck Leslie. I won’t even begin to create a blog that argues the theories of God and what His original design truly looked like for marriage and love. I am the least controversial person out there! I can’t hang up on sales calls. I can’t shut the door to the solicitors at the door. I just don’t like arguing or debating. It makes me so uncomfortable. But what I can do is tell my story. Through my eyes. Through my heart. I am not here to judge or bash. It is simply my take on where my life brought me and how it affects my heart and view of God. It is my journey as I watched my husband give in to the pains of this world and the hurts of his past. I will never have all the answers, but what I have is an experience that many walk and never talk about. I have a journey that is taking me through the highs of faith and the lows of rejection. And if it helps just one wife out there who couldn’t possibly bring the topic up, (because in our Christian world, it is the epitome of taboo), every word will be worth it. If it helps her remember that God is still in control, He sees our pain, He will never abandon us or leave us in the closet our husbands left us in, then none of this is a waste.
It takes everything in me not to blurt out the whole story in this first post, because it all just wants to come out at once! But, my next post will start with where it all began, that night when my deepest fears came true.