When I was married, one of the worst feelings in the world was not being on speaking terms when we were in a disagreement. It stopped me in my tracks and nothing was OK until we were back on good terms. Whether it was a day or a few hours, it was torture. Right now, divorce feels like that’s exactly where we are, except, we’re trapped in it forever. I’m on non-speaking-terms with my best friend in the world, but this time, it won’t go away.

Yesterday, we argued. (Via text, because of course, we still can’t come to terms with speaking audibly to each other unless it’s extremely necessary). It was over something so small. But I felt that horrible feeling. That feeling that I am not on speaking terms with my best friend. And this time, there’s no making up.

There’s no intimate makeup conversation. There’s no, “I’m sorry. Let’s move forward together.” There’s no makeup dinner. No makeup sex. There’s none of his funny jokes that always came at the perfect moment to lighten up the mood. He’s not here to cut the tension like he always did so smoothly; so humorously. There’s nothing. There’s silence. And I can never get him back. I’ll never see his smile again. I’ll never have that moment where we exhale and know that “we’re going to be OK.”

Because, we’ll never be “OK” again.

Sure, there’s “being civil.” Every co-parent gets there. But we’ll never go back to that love that reminded us why we started this journey together and won’t give it up.

I watch other couples go through the motions of every day married life and wonder if they realize what they have. I wonder if that wife realizes that although life doesn’t feel like a fairy tale, life still holds more “make-up” moments for her. Life still includes a man who made vows to her and isn’t going anywhere. He may not look at her every day the way he looked at her on her wedding day, but he’s there. His love may not ooze with romance like it did when they were dating, but it goes deeper now, because he’s STAYING. Even when life sucks all the romance out of him at times, he STAYS. They’ll celebrate their 10th anniversary. Maybe on a couch. Maybe at a coffee shop. Maybe on a beach somewhere exotic. But they’ll celebrate it. Because he stayed.

Sometimes I feel strong and ready to face what’s new. And other times, I just wish I could wake up from this never ending fight, and just make up.

No strings attached. No hurdles to cross to consider us a “normal” couple again in the eyes of our family and friends. (If there is such a thing as “normal.”) No walls. No barriers. Just making up and moving forward.

Never take for granted the option to make up.