T-24 Hours

Sitting in Starbucks this morning (it’s about 8:15 am), in the farthest corner possible. I’m most comfortable in corners. I’m exactly 24 hours away from the moment I will walk into a court house and walk back out a divorced woman – my worst nightmare. I don’t even want to begin to think about the deepest pain I’ll feel tomorrow.

My mind is racing. Thinking back through this year and how God has had His hand on everything; how He’s so clearly had my back.

But my heart still hurts. It hurts in so many directions. There’s so much that hurts right now, but for some reason, what’s running through my mind this morning is not my future, not my children’s future, not how long it will take to be married and belong to someone again. What’s running through my mind are the faces of old friends. Friends whom I loved dearly. Friends I use to see daily; live life with. Friends who I’ve watched support my husband’s decision to abandon me. Friends who’s friendship I’m mourning right along with my marriage. Friends who have no idea what tomorrow’s day holds for me.

This world is cruel. And it’s not my friends who are cruel, it’s the confusion that permeates this world and brings stains to friendships that used to be solid. I hate it when people leave; when people give up; when people change for so much less than their destiny. I hate that maybe I’ve been forgotten. I’m that other half of that married couple you used to hold so dear. Maybe you’ve dismissed what happened on my side – abandonment, rejection, a broken dream, a broken home, a broken family, broken vows that you witnessed.

I will never deny the struggle that is homosexuality. I can actually say, after hearing the depths of my dear husband’s thoughts for years – in most cases, it’s not a choice. (Gasp! – yes church, we’re born into sin, remember? We’re born into something that is supposed to be born again, into what He intends for us to be). But for many, like my husband, they didn’t choose there first sexual encounter, because it wasn’t voluntary. They didn’t chose what that does to your brain, your beliefs, your habits, your doubts for the rest of your life. He didn’t choose that it made him feel like an outcast in the middle of sugar coated church circles. It wasn’t fair. None of it was fair.

But what he did choose was to leave me. To break an eternal vow. To choose that side when in reality, he would be fine with either side. So why not stick to the side you made vows to? Why not stick to your word no matter how challenging? Did we forget that God eventually honors that perseverance? And that maybe, marriage would eventually become something that doesn’t feel like daily perseverance, but joy?

I don’t think I will ever understand His choice. I don’t think I will ever understand the friends I once valued who forgot what happened on my side. The rejection. The betrayal. The death.

I may never understand.

But what I do understand is God will never leave me. He will never forsake me. And He will never break His vow. Never.

Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.
Isaiah 54:10

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